There is absolutely no reason why I should post what I am about to write on the blogosphere, but I am bored as hell, with a million things to do. Plus, my generation has a sick sense of voyeurism. We want to be watched in our most personal moments. This is my fulfillment of that strange desire.
I do not have a best friend. I cannot explain why. For my entire life, I have had a best friend. When I was very young, my best friend was named Jordan. He just got married. In elementary school, it was Alex. We are still friends, but we are very different now. In middle school, I suppose I did not really have a best friend. Maybe that is why I hated it so much. In high school, I had several best friends. Zeek was one. I talked to him about everything I believed. We talked about faith and politics. Whatever I said or thought, I did not fear telling it to him. We actually went to college together, but we drifted apart. We lived in different dorms and hung out with different people. Craig was my other one of my best friends in high school. I told him my deepest, darkest secrets. We talked about girls, sex, and anything else that our dirty little minds could think up. Nevertheless, he went to OSU; I went to SPU. We grew distant both geographically and emotionally. I still love him, but we are not what we were. Janelle, my girlfriend in high school, served as another best friend. I told her everything. Our closeness surpassed even my friendships with Zeek and Craig. When we broke up, I lost a huge piece of myself. It was hard but necessary. From there, my best friend was Zach. We shared many things in common, and our sophomore year of college we lived together in the dorms. Zach stood firm as a rock for me. I confided my whole life to him. When Zach met Jessica, we fell away. Even though I still live with him, we see each other very little. I do not feel as though I can confide my deepest emotions in him. Furthermore, our priorities grow increasingly distant. Zach wants to get married, have a career, and raise a family. I want to live in a way that subverts the ruling powers. I want to undo the damage being done to humanity and to the earth. I had another best friend in college. Her name was Katie Ann. Like a fool, I confused intimacy with attraction. I convinced myself that I loved her. In fact, I had simply become deeply connected to her. After we started dating, I realized the difference between closeness and romance across genders. Breaking up with her caused a serious rift. I lost another piece of myself. After that, I wandered aimlessly seeking some form of intimacy that would provide the challenge and trust of a deep enduring friendship. I am yet to find it.
Right now, I feel that emptiness the most. I feel totally alone. There is no one to talk to or to go on a walk with. There is no one to look forward to seeing. There are only friendships which I will engage in and enjoy. None will be like those of old. To me, a best friend longs to see you, but not in the way of missing you. A best friend longs to see you because you are her little piece of continuity in a disjointed world. You long to see her because she is your stationary point in a society spun out of control. Without your best friend, the day passes you by without anything special. Nothing unique happens. The light never gets a chance to flicker without her.
Sometimes I forget, making a best friend is very difficult work. It takes time and persistence. I suppose I live in a time in which I am waiting for my next best friend. I am impatient. Everyday, I seek, wondering who it may be. If only I could choose. Maybe it will happen soon. I guess we'll see. Peace!
-ben adam
Agnus Dei
How G-d rules the world!
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